With the transfer to digital TV finally taking place tomorrow, many are worried about those who are unprepared for the switch. While I feel bad for the Amish, I can’t help but think of the real victims of this digital disaster. They may not be the first people to come to mind, but more than most they will be harmed by this switch. I speak of course of the fine makers of aluminum foil.
More than any other group, aluminum foil manufacturers will be harmed by the digital switch. Without fuzzy reception there will no longer be able to justify buying that extra roll of aluminum foil. In the digital era your TV’s rabbit ears will no longer need to look like a Russian satellite. Truly, it is a dark day for the Federal Government’s latest victims. If the aluminum foil industry isn’t safe, then none of us are.
So who can we blame for this travesty? None other than the Electronics Vendors International Lobby. These are the same nefarious villains who brought you the DVD Rewinder and the AA battery powered AA battery charger. More than any other organization, E.V.I.L. embodies … well evil. They ruthlessly lobbied Congress for this unnecessary change and your representatives were more than happy to comply.
The spokespeople for EVIL have tried to argue that this change was needed, but we all know it’s a boondoggle. E.V.I.L. gets rich, with the help of the FCC, while the old women and deaf mutes, who depend on the aluminum foil industry, are left out in the cold. They’re putting your stimulus dollars to work, America. One hundred thousand new jobs … tell that to the sickly orphans that the folks at Reynolds were forced to let go.
So what can you do? You know the answer. We all do. We cannot allow the aluminum foil industry to go under. I’ve given this hours of careful consideration and there is only one option. We must release acid into the water supply.
If we can turn enough people into raving lunatics then we just might be able to save a vital American industry. This is your time, my fellow Americans. Now go. Drop acid and make yourself an aluminum foil hat so the aliens can no longer steal your dreams.