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Book Recommendation: The Bible of Unspeakable Truths

18 May

I spent the weekend doped up on Cipro (sadly, no hallucinations). I took the opportunity to read Greg Gutfeld’s latest book, “The Bible of Unspeakable Truths.” Allow me to preface this recommendation by saying I’m a big fan of his television show, Red Eye, and his previous book, “Lessons From The Land of Pork Scratchings.” Fortunately for my health, this latest work by Greg did not suck or inhibit my recovery whatsoever (This was disappointing, as I had hoped to sue Greg for some of that sweet pain and suffering money). As usual, I found myself agreeing with Greg’s observations more often than not, but his unique way of approaching topics made this an excellent read. It was such a pleasure that I finished it within the first day (It should be noted that this is no small miracle as reading, almost always, makes me fall into a coma). It’s a challenge to make politics entertaining (without relying on cliched soft targets as Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert do), but Greg Gutfeld makes it look easy. With truths like “Obama Is a Hot Chick” and “Child Slavery Is Underrated” you know you’re in for quite a ride. Some of the topics in the book may be familiar to Red Eye and Daily Gut fans, but Greg’s commentary is as fresh and entertaining as ever… like a tall glass of cold unicorn semen on a hot day. So go order Greg Gutfeld’s The Bible of Unspeakable Truths. And, if you haven’t already, pick up his previous work “Lessons From The Land of Pork Scratchings.”

If you are not completely satisfied, I’ll kill Greg.*

*-Murder is a federal crime. Any claim to being less than satisfied will result in the murder of Greg Gutfeld and you will be held legally liable.


More Proof

9 Oct


We now know that you don’t actually have to do a damn thing to win a Nobel Peace Prize.

Any Ideas?

28 Sep

testicle tat

My genitals need your help. I was staring at my genitals the other day (What? It’s my junk and I’m allowed to stare) and I decided they could use something. Therefore, I’ve decided that my junk is in need of a humorous tattoo.

Why do my genitals need a graphic? Purely for my psychological benefit. If a woman breaks out into laughter at the sight of my genitals, I need to be able to convince myself it’s because of the tattoo. In short (heh, I said short), I’m looking for something universally funny to decorate my package. Obviously text is out of the question, due to the language barrier. I don’t want some Laotian Ladyboy staring inquisitively at my junk for all the wrong reasons.

So feel free to post your suggestions, folks. I’m looking for something funny so massage your funny bones, because you know I am, and hit me with your best shot. Just not in the eyes.

I’ll start it off with something simple. I was thinking of a smiley face on my scrotum.

Barack Obama Doesn’t Care About Black Governors

21 Sep

obama patterson

NEW YORK (AP)Two senior New York Democratic advisers say top national party leaders have asked Gov. David Paterson to consider withdrawing from the 2010 governor’s race.

The New York Times also reported that President Barack Obama requested that Paterson withdraw.

The advisers spoke to The Associated Press on the condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to speak for Paterson.

One of the advisers says that party leaders in Washington were concerned about Paterson’s political weakness, believing his office is too important to risk losing. The Democratic source is unsure what the response will be.

White House officials had no immediate comment.

For more on Obama v. Paterson see this great post from Snark&Boobs

Welcome To My World

18 Sep

The following is every random thing that popped into my head between 7am and 8am this morning.

I’m currently watching a woman fellate a horse. We live in a truly amazing age. Just think, if I wanted to see something this fucked up 100 years ago, I would have to leave my house.

I want to kill somebody with a giant boulder, just so I can go into court and argue that I was being framed by Wile E. Coyote.

I’m pretty sure I could fit my limp wang into the opening of that 3 liter jug. Then I could pop a boner and hear that cool hollow thud when I run around smacking stuff.

My butt itches. My nose itches too. I need to be careful about which I decide to scratch first.

I should try farting into my air purifier. Not that anything cool would happen … I just think it’s asking for it.

Time to check twitter.

The following were originally posted on my twitter account

I want to see more people tweet about midgets covered in gravy. Midgets truly are awesome and a great reason to oppose eugenics

my mouth tastes funny. somebody else needs to taste my mouth & tell me if it tastes funny to them. Can a mouth expire?

my eye itches, but I don’t have a back scratcher within my reach. There is never a steel wool pad sitting around when you need one.

My cell phone slips out of my hand a lot. It’s the only way I know to hit kids on the head without getting in trouble

I want to have sex with Shamu the killer whale. I don’t find her attractive .. I simply want bragging rights.

I wonder what my keyboard tastes like

and I thought my mouth tasted funny..

I’d hang one of those pine tree air fresheners from my penis, but I’m afraid squirrels will come after my nuts.

my eye still itches. I can’t live at the mercy of a rogue eyeball. I should pour pepper into it to get even

Idea for a new lottery. Each week we pick a random SS# & kill that person. It could be sponsored by Valium

There is a thing called urethra stretching. I’ve been bored, I’ve even been really bored. But, I’ve never been THAT bored.

When my chin whiskers get long enough, I’m tying a plastic army man to some of them. I wonder how that would look on my driver’s license

I tweeted about a woman performing oral sex on a horse and I lost one follower. You’re sick puppies .. I like it

7 more minutes and I can go back to my normal tweeting. Bad for those who want me committed, but good for twitter.

If the local hookers have better breath, you have me to thank. I’ve been sticking tic tacs in my urethra.

my right arm is slightly more developed than my left. I need to switch things up for symmetry

Fact: My keyboard tastes funny, but it’s better than my mouse.

Well that’s roughly one hour in my head. You’re welcome, America.

From My Cold, Dead .. OUCH!!

3 Sep


So a clearly malnourished lefty protester decided to snack on the finger of a rival protester. While this is disturbing, it’s also rather surreal. The offending cannibal has yet to be identified, but there are suspects. The list includes the usual culprits including Mike Tyson and Bono. I personally believe the most likely culprit is Rahm Emanuel. Rahm lost half of a finger years ago and I don’t put anything past a politician that will send a dead fish to a pollster.

Some on the left took this as an opportunity to highlight the virtues of medicare. Let’s hope this strategy does not spread, because I’d hate to be stabbed just so the left could praise the speedy response of the ambulance. Obviously this incident does show us that medicare is a truly great program. I mean who hasn’t had their finger bitten off by a crazed lefty and wished the government was there to help?

I truly cannot wait to discover the identity of the finger biter. Speculation remains rampant as to which group he may be with. It really doesn’t matter which lefty group the biter belongs to, because they’re all pretty much flesh eating zombies.

The question remains as to why the lefty screwball decided to snack on the older gentleman. I like to think things went down like this…

Older gentleman opposed to Obamacare: Listen here, kid, you can have nationalized health care when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Lefty Nutbag: *chomp*

Older gentleman opposed to Obamacare: Jesus Christ, you stupid little shit, I’m not dead yet!

Lefty Nutbag: It tastes like … CHANGE

Too Precious

1 Sep

I’ve been deleted. Well, at least my comments were deleted. It all started when I followed a link on Twitter to John Scalzi’s blog. There I found a post dripping with a smug sense of superiority that was too hard to resist. I proceeded to criticize one of Mr. Scalzi’s responses to a commenter. I, of course, questioned his intelligence, because this is the most sensitive subject for most left leaning individuals.

John did not appreciate my comment and responded in predictable fashion. Because I had bruised his ego, he felt the need to react with a banal retort. The back and forth that commenced finally resulted in John deleting my comments. A man who boasts that his blog receives forty-five thousand visitors a day, felt the need to delete me. In the grand scheme I am nobody (I like it that way), which makes John’s actions all the more entertaining. Mr. Scalzi is not the first person I’ve messed with against my better judgment, but he may be one of the more well known.

Here is a screen shot for posterity.

Update: John explains..

It is true that I was a snide dick, but you can’t read the man’s post/comments and tell me he didn’t deserve a little bit of the mirror treatment. It’s not as if I went about bruising the ego of an otherwise thoughtful and respectful person. I kicked sand in the face of a bully who likes kicking sand around in his sandbox. If men like John don’t deserve a little rhetorical sand in their face, then who does?